Do You Like My New Car?
Zappa Frank
Fillmore East, June 1971 (1971)

Mark:
I mean really . . .
Howard:
Rant-rant-rant-rt-rt-rt-rant-nt . . .
Mark:
You are . . . you gotta tell me something . . . I mean, seriously,
I'm tellin' you, this is the first time that any of my girlfriends and I have ever met anybody really from Hollywood . . .
I mean . . . really my girlfriend Jim and Ian and . . . Aynsley and Bob and . . . Frank . . . I mean,
none of us . . . we've never . . .
Howard:
Pleased to meet you . . .
Ian:
Hi Howie
Mark:
We've never met a pop star from Hollywood . . . tell me something:
have you ever met Davy Jones . . . or . . .
Howard:
No . . .
Mark:
. . . or Bobby Sherman?
Howard:
No, I . . .
Mark:
I mean . . . David Cassidy, he's so . . .
Howard:
No . . . Jimmy Greenspoon, and once I . . .
Mark:
Three Dog Night?
Howard:
Yeah . . .
Mark:
Oh! I love them! They're my favorite band! oh gawd . . . oh, do you like my new car . . .?
My dad just gave it to me for graduation
Howard:
Oh, yeah . . .! It's a . . . it's a Fillmore, isn't it? Real futuristic, ah . . .
I dig the fins . . . listen: do you know how to get to the, ah, Holiday Inn from here?
Mark:
No, ah . . . which one is it?
Howard:
(Burp) . . . excuse me . . . It's . . . it's . . . it's the one by the airport . . .
you know . . . 'cause we gotta . . . we gotta get up early an' . . . fly outta here in the morning, you know?
Mark:
Oh! Oh, I didn't know that . . .
(Oh, yeah!)
Mark:
Where . . . where d'you guys play tomorrow night? I mean . . .
I'd like to come maybe . . . in your bus or somethin'...
Howard:
Yeah? (In the BUS!)
Howard:
Come in the bus, huh? Tomorrow we're in ah, let's see . . . Tierra del Fuego
Mark:
Oh . . . You're so professional, Howie!
Howard:
Oh, it's not . . .
Mark:
Howie, I mean . . .
Howard:
It's nothing . . .
Mark:
I mean the way you're gettin' to p . . . to play n all these exotic places, I mean . . .
Howard:
Yeah
Mark:
Tell me something, tell me and all my girl- TELL me . . . do you really have a hit record . . .
on the charts now . . . with a BULLET? I mean that's really important to me . . .
Howard:
Listen, honey . . . would I lie to you just to . . . get in your pants?
Mark:
He-Hey! Listen!
Jim:
Hey, hey . . .
Mark:
Hey, listen to me . . . tell him: WE ARE NOT GROUPIES!
Howard:
No, I never . . . I never said that. . .
Mark:
We're not groupies! You better understand . . . I told Robert Plant it, I told Elton John,
I told all those big guys . . .
Howard:
Robert PLANET?!
Mark:
We are not groupies!
Howard:
No, I never . . .
Mark:
Roger Daltrey never laid a hand on me!
Howard:
No, I never . . . I . . . it's obvious to see why . . . Listen, I've never . . .
Mark:
And my . . .
Jim:
Howard . . .
Mark:
Tell him! Tell him right now!
Jim:
We only like musicians for f-friends, you know?
FZ:
Real straight arrow, Howie
Mark:
Really . . . just for friends, Howie . . .
Jim:
But we still like you
FZ:
Yeah, we wouldn't mind coming in your bus, though
Jim:
I mean, we still want to hear your record...
Howard:
Listen you chicks, now didn't . . . didn't you just say that you got off bein' juked with a BABY OCTOPUS
. . . and spewed upon with creamed corn . . . an' that your harelipped dyke-o bass-playing
girlfriend on the backseat had to have it with a Yoo-hoo bottle or she went apeshit . . . ?!
Mark:
Oh . . .
Howard:
What's the deal, baby?
Mark:
Howie!
Howard:
Come on . . .
Mark:
Howie, listen to me, all that's true . . .
Howard:
Come across, like . . . you know?
Mark:
I swear, all that's true, and sometimes I even dig it with a Dr. Brown's Cream Soda . . .
or a Cel-Ray! But . . . we are not groupies! No matter what you think . . .
Howard:
No, I never . . .
Mark:
We are not groupies . . .
Howard:
You see, there seems to be some kind of a communications problem, honey, because I . . .
I'm a lonely guy from outta town, you know, an' . . . an' I want some ACTION . . . what . . . what
I'm talkin' about is, I wanna . . . a-a steaming, succulent, ever-widening, gooey, drippy,
runny kind of a hole with a . . . with . . . how shall I put this . . . ?
What say we hop in the trunk of your Gremlin AN' GET OUR ROCKS OFF?
Mark:
Hey! Hey-hey-hey-heyyyy . . . Jesus!
FZ:
Very agile, Howie, very agile!
Mark:
I'm in this band, man . . . I am in this band no matter what we do up here . . . you know . . .
Now listen, it just so happens . . .
Howard:
Yeah . . .
Mark:
Tonight me and my girlfriends, I mean, we've all come here for one thing tonight . . .
Howard:
Yeah?
Mark:
Looking for a guy . . . And we're looking for a guy from a group . . .
Howard:
Wow!
Mark:
BUT HE'S GOTTA HAVE A DICK!
Howard:
NO!
Mark:
AND HE'S GOTTA HAVE A DICK THAT'S A MONSTER!!
Howard:
WAAAAAAAAH . . .! That's me!! That's me! Oh . . . Oh, you voluptuous
Manhattan Island clit . . .
FZ:
I swear he was a Manhattan Island . . .
Howard:
Take me, I'm yours, you hole . . . fulfil my . . . wildest dreams!
Mark:
Ooooh! Anything for you, my most seductive, seclusive . . . pop star of a man . . .
Howard:
Yeah?
Mark:
Picture this if you can
Howard:
Oh . . .
Mark:
Bead jobs!
Howard:
Oh!
Mark:
Knotted nylons!
Howard:
Oh!
Mark:
Bamboo canes!
Howard:
Oh!
Mark:
Three unreleased recordings of Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young fighting
in the dressing-room of the Fillmore East!
Howard:
Oh!
Mark:
One enchilada wrapped with pickle sauce shoved up and down in between a donkey's legs
until he can't stand it no more . . .! All this and more, Howie, including: an electric
coolde pony harness, with fuel injection . . . fuel
injection . . . fuel
injection . . .
Howard:
Oh . . . my God, I . . . I . . . I can't stand it!
I mean . . . I mean, do you understand
the implications of what I'm saying? I . . .
I CAN'T STAND IT!
I CAN'T STAND IT!
I CAN'T STAND IT!
I CAN'T STAND IT!
I CAN'T STAND . . .
FEET ON FIRE . . .
I'M GOING HOME!
I GOTTA SEE MY BABY!
I GONNA . . . SO HOT!
I CAN'T STAND IT!
I CAN'T STAND IT!
I CAN'T STAND IT!
I CAN'T STAND IT . . .
I CAN'T STAND IT . . .
I CAN'T STAND IT!
I CAN'T STAND IT!
I CAN'T . . . OH! OH NO! OH . . . GOD . . .!
I can't stand it! Oh . . .
I really can't stand it . . . please . . .
give it to me . . .
give it to me right here in the trunk of your Gremlin . . .
give me . . .
GIVE ME THE ENCHILADA WITH THE PICKLE SAUCE SHOVED UP AND DOWN
THE DONKEY'S ASS UNTIL HE CAN'T COME ANYMORE!
Mark:
Hey-hey! Not until you sing me your big hit record! And I wanna hear the big hit record,
and I wanna hear it now, an' I wanna hear the big hit record now with a bullet! With a bullet!
Howard:
The bullet?
Mark:
The BULLET! The BULLET! It's the part that gets me the hottest . . .
now sing me that record, and I wanna hear it right now or you ain't driving nowhere tonight,
buddy . . .
Howard:
Well . . . I know when I'm licked . . . all over . . . Okay, baby:
BEND OVER AND SPREAD 'EM! Here comes my . . . BULLET!!