Murder By Numbers
Zappa Frank
Broadway The Hard Way (1988)

FZ:
Alright . . . Now, this afternoon on my way down the elevator we stopped at the lobby, and I was
introduced to a man named Sting who I'd never met before. And, he's a very nice man, and he came
to the show tonight and I just talked to him in the dressing room a little while ago and I
said: "How would you, Mr. Sting, like to come up on stage and perform with us?" Now . . .
Sting:
How's [...]. It's not in my nature to kick a man when he's down. When I saw the first part
of the show I realised I had to come up here and tell you something. Well, four years ago
Jimmy Swaggart said this about me: He said this here song by The Police, "Murder By Numbers," was
written by SATAN! Performed by the sons of SATAN! BEELZEBUB! LUCIFER! THE HORNED ONE! I wrote
the fuckin' song, alright?

Once that you've decided on a killing
First you make a stone of your heart
If you find that your hands are still willing
Then you can turn a murder into art
There really isn't any need for bloodshed
You just do it with a little more finesse

If you can slip a tablet into someone's coffee
Then it avoids an awful lot of mess because
It's murder by numbers one two three
It's as easy to learn as your ABC
Murder by numbers one two three
It's as easy to learn as your ABC

Now if you have a taste for this experience
And you're flushed with your very first success
Then you must try a twosome or a threesome
And you'll find your conscience bothers you much less
Because a murder is like anything you take to
It's a habit-forming need for more and more

You can bump off every member of your family
And anybody else you find a bore
Because it's murder by numbers one two three
It's as easy to learn as your ABC
Murder by numbers one two three
It's as easy to learn as your ABC
I said murder by numbers one two three
It's as easy to learn as your ABC
Murder by numbers one two three
It's as easy to learn as your ABC
Murder by numbers A B C D E

FZ:
Mr. Sting! Ladies and gentlemen . . . Mr. Sting!
Ike:
Sting!
FZ:
Thank you! "Murder By Numbers" . . . And then, suddenly . . .