A**Hole Of The Dance
Denis Leary
Lock 'N Load (1997)

"This world is bullshit."

"Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome--"

"The lord of the dance, Mr. Denis Leary!"

I am the Lord of the Dance! Fuck Michael Flatley, it's me! The lord of the dance. The furor of the dance. The meister of the dance. What the fuck? Does that make Patrick Swayze the president of the dance, Michael? Lord of the Dance... Who has the balls to call themselves the Lord of anything, huh? Come on. Last time someone called himself Lord on this planet, he got crucified, Michael, okay? And we know where the hammer and the nails are. We can put you up in a couple of minutes.

Have you seen that show? If you have, get out! Get the hell out of my show right now! If you've seen that show or own that video tape, leave right now! Have you seen the ads for this show, with him dancing out there with his little flat stomach, and his faggy little bullfighting jacket on, and his Jacky Stallone headband, and his pirate shirt flowing in the wind? Come on. Folks, I'm Irish, okay? You've seen us dance at weddings, we don't dance like that. We dance like this... "Fucking kick your ass, man! Blaargh! Blaargh! Turn up the bass, man!" Except for the sober Irish guys, they're over in the corner dancing like this. That's the way I dance, actually, in real life. How sad is THAT? Lord of the Dance? You wanna do that show the right way? Get some big, fat, beer-bellied Irish guys out there in those bullfighting jackets, huh? Let 'em dance and drink and punch their relatives at the same time. "What happened to your nose, it's broken?" "Oh, I was at my cousin's wedding last night. Yep, beat up my mom. I love her, she loves me."

There's a big boom in Irish culture now. I was in Barnes & Noble the other day. I saw a book entitled "Irish Cuisine" and I laughed my balls off, okay? Irish Cuisine?! What are we famous for cuisinewise? We put everything in a pot and we boil it for seventeen and a half hours straight, until you can eat it with a straw. "[SLUUURP] Thanks-ma. Where's-dessert? Okay-there-it-is... [SLUUURP] Thanks-ma." It's not a cuisine, folks, that's penance, that's what that is. "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I just blew Father O'Grady. What should I do?" "Eat your supper through a straw."

I mean, I love Ireland, but they're a tad behind the times, don't you think? They just voted divorce in in Ireland last summer. Yeah, we're three years away from the millenium, we're about to colonize Mars, and they just voted divorce in. Wow! Wow! Hang on for another 2,000 years, you might get the Playboy channel, ooh! Ooh! Blowjobs are a long way off in that country, folks. "We're hoping to vote the blowjobs in around 2050, because right now we're only allowed at about three blowjobs a year, and they all go to Michael FLATLEY!"