Uncle Walter
Ben Folds Five
Ben Folds Five (1997)

Your Uncle Walter's going on and on
Bout everything he's seen and done
The voice of 50 years experience
Drunk, watching the television
You know he's been around the world
Last night he flew to Baghdad
In his magical armchair
Cigarettes and a six-pack, he just got back
Now the spit's flying everywhere
Hey, hey, hey, hey (Your Uncle Walter's going on and on)
You're back so late (Where did you go that you were gone so long)
How could you leave me here so long
With Uncle Walter
Your Uncle Walter saw who fired the shots
He drove his chair in the cavalcade
He's flown from South Africa
To countries where
They beat themselves on the backs with chains
There was a fleet of battleships
And 1 reclining chair
Headed north on the Arabian Sea
Now he's back and he'll tell us what
He and his oldest boy Blair
Are getting rich with their mail order scheme
Oh, oh, oh, oh
We're glad you're home
But how could you leave me here so long with Uncle Walter
Your Uncle Walter told me
Everything he'd do if he was president
Oh what a perfect world
This world would be
If he were president now

And he sees the children
Smoking pot
He knows that in a moment
They'll be shooting up heroin
Teardrops in his armchair
A fifty minute lecture
And tobacco juice rolling down his chin
Hey, hey, hey, hey
You're back so late
How could you leave me here so long
With Uncle Walter